Back to school...

I’m surprised there are not more fatalities at school. And not from accidental falls on the playground, ingesting toxic glue or paint, running with scissors or choking at lunch. More like from teachers snapping and pulling off the cute little heads of their adorable students.

For those of you who don’t know, I’m substitute teaching and filling in as a PARA. This is my solution for temporary income and a ‘job’ that is somewhat non committal. I put my name in the pot on Tuesday and by Wednesday morning I had been assigned my first two jobs, today and tomorrow. So here is a little glimpse of my first day back to elementary school. Keep in mind the last time I was in a kindergarten classroom was 22 years ago.

My first observation is that all teachers are camels. I didn’t pee once all day, but then again I didn’t even have time to get a suck from the water fountain as I ran by chasing one of the special needs children. I got home and the first thing I did was suck down about a half gallon of delicious tap water because, well, it’s wet. Teachers must have some type of water reserve somewhere resembling a hump.

My second observation is that children’s behavior worsens as they age. I had preschoolers in the morning and first graders in the afternoon. The first grader I was assisting today was fine, it was the other little turds that drove me nuts. They talk way too much and listen about as well as a squirrel on crack pellets. The teacher only had to scream three times, and I’m not talking slight raise in voice, I’m talking full fledged screaming and it didn’t even phase the little jerks.

My third observation is that it takes a very special individual to teach preschoolers. It’s not really my style to sing the ‘Sunshine Song’ at eight in the morning, complete with fun actions. The preschoolers were well behaved and who doesn’t enjoy starting the day rolling out a big ball of Play-Doh. I will say this teacher loves her job and I am thankful that she does.

The one thing that baffles me the most, is I never remember my teachers being so nice and bubbly. Maybe I was one of those little jerks and maybe that’s why I only remember mean teachers, complete with fangs and horns. Or maybe I have just repressed all of those memories.

My bet is on repressed memories.

Until next time.

-MO-