Kids...

I've been back in kindergarten and preschool for the past five school days. Here are some things I've picked up - minus the nasty cold and wheezing cough.

Kids are gross-
Seriously I saw a kid lift his shoe clad foot to his mouth and lick the sole of his shoe like an ice cream cone. I think I puked a little in my mouth. I think boogers have also evolved with tastier flavors because if I had a dime for every instance where a finger went from nose to mouth - I wouldn't need this subbing gig. Of course once they've done that they immediately want to hold your hand.

I loitered the sanitizing station all day long.

Indicators and red lights-
You can tell fairly quickly what kind of day it will be by the atmosphere in the commons area a mere ten minutes before the morning bell. Today was a red light day. Before eight o'clock I had a puddle of vomit, a crier because 'mom' forgot her lunch and a bus riding para that came around the corner frazzled and said good luck.

Another indicator is the weather - it hasn't failed us yet.

Phonics are hard-
I don't remember learning how to read, I really don't. I am convinced life is playing a cruel joke on me as I am helping kids learn to read. I think my credibility is shot when it comes to digraph ck and breves and coding words. I actually had a little girl look at me today and say, "do you know what you're doing?"

Apparently I don't.

Little Readers are not full of excitement-
Along with phonics the kindergarten class is reading small books with larger words. I only have to wonder if my own parents ever really listen to me read my little readers at that age. My god if they were half as bored as I was it's amazing I learned anything. I find myself keeping busy while they read about Pig spilling milk and Stan's flat fan and who can leave out Dan and his tan van. When they get to move onto the next book many of them just stare at the rack of books as if they are saying, "Let's pick out something more boring than the last one, that way mom will just nod and sign the paper and I'll get that prize when I get my fifth sticker."

Brutal - but the worst book is about the six flags on a box or something like that I wasn't really paying attention.


Unexplainable urges-
Kids have a hard time just chilling out, I get that. What I don't understand is why a five year old would have the sudden urge to chop into their art t-shirt with a pair of scissors and then look at the teacher and say, "I slipped." I literally had to bite my tongue because I didn't feel it was right to laugh in a child's face and tell them they were full of shit. It makes you wonder what other blatant lies they tell.

Well now little Pinocchio where is your little friend Jiminy Cricket? If he's smart he's on strike until you learn to use a Kleenex.

The hallways are magnetized-
What is it about cinder block that immediately draws a child's grubby hands to it? Maybe it's the porous, cold texture - I'm not sure. If it's not the hands drawn to the wall it's a shoulder or a leg or a head for that matter. I cringe when walking past artwork in the hallway because little grubby hands are making dirty little fingerprints all over somebody's hard work.

They should pump electricity through them, much like electric fence. Cruel- maybe, funny - hell yes.


Tattling is what all the cools kids do-
If I hear another whiner tell me what somebody else did I'm going to snap. I can't even write anything about all the tattling because it will bring up infuriating feelings and I won't sleep at night.


Even though its been a gross adventure, it has been fun. Preschoolers still like you and things like snack are the highlight of their days. It's also the highlight of mine because it's the one block of five minutes the teachers can take a load off, until of course someone spills milk....and then cries about it.