Applying myself...

Freelancing isn't lucrative, so I continue to seek adequate employment that will match my diverse skills. I'm blogging at four in the afternoon so obviously that job gig hasn't worked out yet.

I've been filling out applications for about a year now, and writing cover letters and going to interview after interview only to be told "you're good, but not good enough." This cycle does wonders for one's self esteem. Then again like we all know, in the real world nobody cares about your self esteem. As long as your productivity stays the same they keep ignoring you.

I've decided to pull out bits and pieces of some of the questions I've had to answer on these applications, most online, and have some fun with them. Some of you who read this will be appreciative others will be lost. Those of you who are lost, probably have a job or at least tolerate the one you have.

**

How long have you been at your present address?
I understand why they need my address, but why do they care how long I've lived there. If this is an attempt to judge my level of commitment I think that is ridiculous.

If under 18, please list age:
This is where you should just quit filling out the application. If you only have to be 18 to do this job, move on. If you've got a degree - really move on. You won't get paid even a quarter of your worth. Then again, fill it out because most 18 year old kids are making more money than I am.

Position applied for?
Here is where you frantically look for something resembling a job title in the ad that you can cut and paste. Even though the job title will have nothing to do with the actual duties.

Salary desired (be specific)?
Well, if you want me to be specific. A million, million five - does that range work?

Days/hours available to work?
Now, are you talking work or showing up? I can show up any weekday, but as far as work or productivity I'm going to say maybe Wednesday. That's my best estimate for my best work.

How many hours can you work weekly?
If we're talking productivity I'll give you around ten, but I've got tons of time to give.

Can you work nights?
This is dependent on the job location and its proximity to third street.

Have you ever been convicted of a crime?
Well, convicted means you were blamed for it or took responsibility. So, no but let's be honest I've committed several. I was just smart enough to get around the law. Junior year of college was a rough year for me, hella fun - but rough.

What is your means of transportation to work?
As long as I get there why does it matter?

Have you had any moving violations during the past three years? How Many?
If I lie and say no they won't hire me because I lied. If I tell the truth and say yes, they won't hire me because I speed. So I should just trash the application and move on.

Please list two references other than relatives or previous employers:
This is where you pick two or three folks that will lie their ass off for you.

An application form sometimes makes it difficult for an individual to adequately summarize a complete background. Use the space below to summarize.
Well, I'm desperate for a job because I'm literally rubbing dimes together hoping they'll reproduce quarters. I will do just about anything that will give me a reason to wake up in the morning and get out of the house because I'm in need of Vitamin D. I've gotten nods and interviews from huge corporations in different states, but the plunging economy is real and it sucks. Being noticed by these corporations should boost my confidence, yet small town office folks tell me I'm too qualified to work for them. This means I have yet to find a 'real job'.

Please list your work experience for the past five years beginning with your most recent job held. Attach additional sheets if necessary.
This is the section where you drag up memories of dread and anxiety and list those morons that made your life a living hell, because let's face it, if you liked those other jobs you wouldn't be applying for new ones. Personally I would need extra sheets to list all of my jobs over the years, so I do the a la carte approach and pick and choose the jobs that give me the best chance of scoring an interview.

List the jobs you held, duties performed, skills used or learned, advancements or promotions while you worked at this company.
Duties performed: gopher, copier, answering phones, lying for boss, organizing office supplies Skills: taking an ass chewing with dignity, avoiding manipulative coworkers, heat reversal, avoidance and conflict/drama management Advancement: the chances of advancement only come with strings and false hope Awards: we all should have got an award for even showing up on a daily basis, but the boss failed to see the merit in praise.

May we contact your present employer? __ Yes __ No
Well, you can - but they'll pretend they don't know me.

Did you complete this application yourself __ Yes __ No
Uh, what kind of question is this. Seriously?