With fantasy football behind us (my team “Creative Disasters” were slightly over .500) it’s time to draft my fantasy racing team and that got me thinking – we have fantasy sports leagues, so why don’t we have fantasy dating leagues?
The ability to draft a team of men that will fulfill my number one goal – winning.
Right now I draft my teams after tedious research while considering current statistics, past season numbers and even season predictions. If I can do that and win games that don’t exist, perhaps I can draft men to take the place of a relationship – that doesn’t exist.
Consider the possibilities if you could draft players on the team that excel in specific areas. There’s the emotional support, the financial support, the fun factor, arm candy and of course the most important the domesticated type. Throw in a couple of bench players and you have yourself a team of seven – or one for every day of the week if you want to get technical.
Here are some things to consider when drafting for each position.
Emotional Support: Pick someone that is sensitive, but not weepy. There is nothing worse than a dude that cries more than you do. This position also takes care of professional venting. He asks you how your day was, and always serves as a sounding board when it comes to that challenge at the office. Remember, this guy always tells you you’re right too.
Financial Support: This position doesn’t need Forbes type wealth, but somebody comfortable that can help contribute to a comfortable lifestyle. Being able to buy groceries without a fear of a debit card being declined is a must, and not having to develop a bill mailing strategy to avoid bounced checks is important. Booking last minute vacations without having to move money around is a definite plus.
Fun Factor: This is that guy that likes the things you do. For example, my player has to have these types of lines in the arsenal.
“Hey, I got us some hockey tickets…in Minneapolis and I already booked the flight and hotel.”
“Oh, we can’t go to that art opening, it’s on a Monday and the Packers are playing the Vikings.”
“Look, if it’s breaking news that matters ESPN will tell me.”
“It’s Sunday, that’s race day.”
The fun factor guy can also be that guy that brings home a case of beer and a few friends that don’t over stay a welcome. He can play cards without pouting and he can take a joke, not to mention he makes you laugh so hard you cry.
Arm Candy: This is obvious. He looks good. He doesn’t have to talk – he just has to stand there.
Domesticated Type: This guy is a gourmet cook that can remove calories from everything while cleaning the shower and scrubbing toilets. Oh, and in a perfect world bears children.
Benchwarmers: These are your backups, so they need to be competent and a few selected flaws can be tolerated. One of these two guys needs to be proficient in more than one position too. Since there are only two back-ups, choose wisely. If your star goes down this guy has to step in and make it work.
Once you’ve got your fantasy team locked down, pick a creative name and start the rat race to the top.
Each day is a game. You earn points for the good (completed passes or yards gained) and you lose points for screwing up (fumbles and interceptions). One of your guys makes you laugh he gets a plus one. He makes you cry though and that's a minus 50. Making promises he keeps is plus 10, but not keeping them is minus 10. You get the idea. Good equals plus and bad equals minus.
Trades. Sure you can trade, but you're only allowed so many transactions in a season and maybe they have to be approved by a commissioner.
If only it were that easy.
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