Wine-oh-no...

I am not typically a drinker - anymore, but I keep stopping into a liquor store near my new digs for ice. The owner is pretty cool and drive's a Cadillac, so I thought this one time I would go in a purchase a bottle of something other than frozen water.

The first time I went in I bought a mini bottle of tequila and marinated some pork chops, which were pretty good. The next time I went for a bag of ice I thought I would look around the store and see what the Caddy driving liquor peddler had to offer.

I browsed the wine selection and debated. I wondered if I should actually spring an extra eight dollars for the booze, I really don't like wine - but it was in a cool bottle. I decided I could handle the eight and purchased the Missouri wine.

That should have been my first red flag.

When I got it home I realized I don't own a wine glass, so I just pulled the Coors Light NFL edition plastic job out of the cupboard. I investigated the bottleneck and noticed the twist top - because all fine wine should be the 'pop a top' variety. I tried to twist only to realize I couldn't get a grip (yeah, there is a double meaning there). I tried multiple times to no avail. I should have just quit, but it became more about beating the bottle than consuming the grape.

I thought quick and opened up the closet and reached for the tool box and a pair of vise grips. I chose these over pliers, because I needed a good grip. I turned the handle and clamped down and twisted. Success! The twist top came off and I was staring at a freaking cork.

I had no corkscrew.

I did, however, have a screwdriver.

Have you ever dug a cork out with a screwdriver? It's hard as hell and by the time I got to the wine there were bits of cork floating. I poured the wine in the plastic cup and some of the cork came with it - the other pieces raced to the other end of the bottle. It was a lost cause, and two hours of my life I'll never get back.

When I took that first gulp I just looked at the plastic cup, stared out the window and sighed. I didn't even like it.

Another impulse buy. Another eight bucks I could have used to buy something I do drink - like Amp, or Coke Zero, or even juice. At least those are easier to open.