The 12 Days of Christmas…

I don’t know about you, but I shot that partridge in a pear tree. One less day of Christmas I have to deal with.

My 12 days have rapidly become “Christmas is Saturday – it’s Tuesday!” They should write a song about THAT – I could see it quickly climbing the holiday charts all the way to number…wait a minute; do they even have holiday charts? I digress.

My holiday spirit is elusive. As I’ve gotten older it seems to have found better hiding places. It used to just shut off the lights and stand very quietly in a dark corner as I fumbled around the dark trying to find it. Now it’s found hiding places I didn’t even know existed. I blame retail. It’s hard to get excited about a holiday we seem to start celebrating mid-October. I’m sick of it by Thanksgiving and by the time the Santa makes an appearance I could care less.

That being said I’ve decided to write a letter to Santa in hopes that my spirit will be uplifted.

Dear Santa,

How is the North Pole? How are Mrs. Claus and the reindeer? How are the elves doing with all this illegal immigration business in the news? I’m sure it adds stress to your human resources department. It has to be a nightmare sifting through all that documentation. I bet the stacks are getting taller than the workers.

I decided to write you a letter instead of visiting you at the mall. I hope you don’t mind, but a grown woman going up to see Santa without hauling a child up there has people talking. Not only that, but the helper they had seeing folks might have been drunk. One kid asked for a puppy and Santa slurred something to the elf about ordering the first season of Dawg the Bounty Hunter on DVD. I didn’t trust you would get the message. I would have e-mailed, but the government hasn’t gotten around to including the North Pole when it allocated funding to “wire” rural America with fiberoptics. And yes, I realize you are not technically "America" but come on, you're Santa and you have multi-citizenship. You should count. So I guess snail mail will have to do in this instance.

I know it’s been quite a while since I’ve written you (about 20 years or so). Thanks for that doll and the red wagon by the way, those were really nice gifts and the new clothes you threw in were an extra bonus. I hope you liked the cookies, the note you wrote back really made our day. I’ve decided to share my Christmas list this year with you in hopes that you’ll be able to deliver. I’ve looked, but haven’t been able to find any of the following items at the local retail store.

-Tax cuts for those of us who work so others can eat

-Lowered stupidity among the general public

-A system that requires a license to breed

-Independent wealth

-Cups of “shut the hell up” for the whiny

-Healthcare that makes sense

-“You get what you get and you’ll like it” policy

-A new generation of people that aren’t “entitled”

-Work ethic for the unemployed

-Help for those who truly need it and don’t just milk the system that my tax dollars ultimately pay for

I know I’m probably asking for too much, but I’ve been pretty good. I know several things on my list aren’t necessarily feasible, but all I ask is for you to consider these gifts. Maybe you could just not give me anything and give others the tools or resources they need to make these things happen. I would gladly give up my Kindle request if people were less stupid on the December 26.

I only ask for these things because I heard you work Christmas miracles.

Merry Christmas and safe travels!

P.S. I would leave you some cookies and milk, but Mom says I’m getting a little old. So that being said nothing will be “designated” for you, but feel free to eat or take whatever you want. It’s not like we need it.