Rah, rah, wrong...

I'm going to be a millionaire.

I have decided to design an arena for high school athletics that resembles a hockey rink. What will make my design different? Sound proof Plexiglas that goes from floor to ceiling. It will isolate asshole fans from the players, coaches and most importantly referees. I think I'll dub it a 'rinkena'.

I've always been told that if a ref beats you, well, then you didn't deserve to win.

Obviously somebody didn't let grandma in on that little bit of wisdom. I'm not talking about my own grandma. In fact, both of mine are very sweet ladies in their seventies and would never dream of screaming "you stink!" at a referee. They also would not yell and scream at the guys in black and white like a drunken heathen right out of the back woods.

I have attended two high school basketball games in the past two weeks and both of them have provided entertainment by grandma goat up on the top row. I didn't get a good look at her face, but I can tell you her voice pierces your eardrums. It's well after the game and I can still hear the old heifer screaming "You can't see anything ref! Call them both ways!" She failed to notice the small green numbers under the score, one said seven and the other said...seven.

I'm no mathematician but them there numbers is equal granny. That would mean they is callin em both ways.

The best part of the evening came in the second quarter. She had been screaming since the initial jump to start the game, and we're not talking hollering. I'm talking about "get em off their backs," "you only call it down there," "watch the elbows," "you don't know nothing about basketball," "you're taking the game from us you jerk," and my personal favorite..."where did you get your reffing license!"

The other crowd's student section started to chant when the game got tight. These were cheers led by cheerleaders and not offensive whatsoever. Then granny goat pipped up again. "YEAH, THAT'S GREAT SPORTSMANSHIP," she screamed. Then she dropped her voice one decibel. "Their principle is standing right there, letting them yell like that. He should take care of that mess."

Hello pot, have you met kettle? What in the sam hell makes you think you screaming like a moron is the model of sportsmanship. Are you diluted or just off your medication?

There was a high school girl working on her science homework right below her dad. She had her iPod in her ears and after granny let off some other rant the girl turned to her father and rolled her eyes. "Turn it up to drown her out," her dad said with a shake of the head.

"It's up as far as it will go dad". I couldn't help but giggle.

People were starting to talk about the loud mouth and one mother just got up and moved. Then again most of the crowd was going nuts when they felt they'd been cheated, but none were as definitive as granny goat. Hell, she even yelled at a kid when he came out of the game with blood on his uniform. "You gotta go change that!"

What I can't understand is why someone as knowledgeable about the game as granny wouldn't slip on the stripes and ref themselves. Or coach for that matter. She's wasting her talents just sitting in the stands screaming. I should have asked to see her WNBA hard card because the way it sounded, she starts for the Minnesota Lynx. Even when a call was in her teams favor...she still yelled. I think she really likes the sound of her voice, or she hates her grandson so much she wants him to get the shit beat out of him at school for having an obnoxious grandma.

If I'm not mistaken, her eyesight is also impeccable. She could see things that the striped dudes on the floor could not. With those specs, she could be a sharpshooter for the asshole fan militia. I also found out that apparently the refs were from Topeka because ALL refs from Topeka hate them. She might want to try this little experiment out. Shut your freekin mouth and maybe they wouldn't hate you. At some point you have to put two and two together. You're loud and obnoxious at every game because the refs suck. Maybe, just maybe the refs don't suck...maybe the problem is YOU granny.

The same wise one that gave me the advice about the refs also told me there is a time and a place for everything. Showing your ass like that at a biker bar on a Saturday night with Bubba after a case of Schlitz is probably more acceptable than showing your ass at a high school basketball game at a 2A school.

The buzzer blew and the referees ran like gazelle being chased across the Serengeti. They got the hell out of dodge. They were actually running away as they called the game final.

They're kids, not Olympians or professionals. Asshole granny goat is just taking all the fun out of it. Not only for the fans, but the kids too.

-MO-